We old fa ts need to keep smiling in these difficult days, so I thought that some jokes for & about the elderly might achieve this. So here's a couple to get us going.
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'
Maurice , an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor for a check-up.
A few days later, the doctor saw Maurice walking down
the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Maurice and said,
'You're really doing really well, aren't you?'
Maurice replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc:
'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said,
'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'Am I Gammon or Woke ? - I neither know nor care.
2016 Discovery 4 Landmark
2011 Mercedes Benz SL350 (R230)
1973 MG B GT V8 - 3.9L John Eales engine, 5 speed R380 gearbox, since 1975.
1959 MGA roadster - 1.9L Peter Burgess Engine - 5 speed gearbox
Past LRs - Multiple FFRs, Discos & a Series I - some petrol, some diesel,
none Electric or H2 fuel cell - yet.
There are 10 types of people in this world: Those who understand binary, and those who don’t.
Last edited by NJSS on 27th May 2020 2:21 pm. Edited 1 time in total
15th Apr 2020 11:51 am
Grianaig
Member Since: 08 Jul 2014
Location: Tyne and Wear
Posts: 1286
The 89 year old rich antique dealer married a gorgeous young woman. The marriage notice in the local paper read: rich antique dealer of 89 married yesterday. The groom’s gift to the bride was an antique pendant.2014 MY Discovery XS Indus Silver. Sadly gone. Second last LR of forty eight years continuous ownership.
Last edited by Grianaig on 15th Apr 2020 1:27 pm. Edited 1 time in total
Two patients limp into two different medical clinics with the same complaint. Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip replacement.
The FIRST patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day and has a time booked for surgery the following week.
The SECOND sees his regular doctor after waiting 3 weeks for an appointment, then waits 8 weeks to see a specialist, then gets an x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another week and finally has his surgery scheduled for 6 months from then.
Why the different treatment for the two patients?
The FIRST is a Golden Retriever.
The SECOND is a Senior Citizen.Am I Gammon or Woke ? - I neither know nor care.
2016 Discovery 4 Landmark
2011 Mercedes Benz SL350 (R230)
1973 MG B GT V8 - 3.9L John Eales engine, 5 speed R380 gearbox, since 1975.
1959 MGA roadster - 1.9L Peter Burgess Engine - 5 speed gearbox
Past LRs - Multiple FFRs, Discos & a Series I - some petrol, some diesel,
none Electric or H2 fuel cell - yet.
There are 10 types of people in this world: Those who understand binary, and those who don’t.
15th Apr 2020 12:59 pm
Hot Tub
Member Since: 15 Aug 2017
Location: Milton Keynes
Posts: 1071
The hip one
So true but doesn't state the cost for both Welsh Collie Chauffeur Service To Barney & Rooney.
She's single, quite attractive and lives on the other side of the street. I can see her house from my kitchen window and often watch her coming & going.
I watched as she got home from work this evening. I was pleasantly surprised when she walked across the street, up my drive and knocked on the door!
I opened the door, she looked at me and said: “I just got home, and I have this strong urge to go dancing and drinking, and maybe ....you know, have some fun. Are you doing anything tonight?"
I quickly replied: "Nope, I'm free!"
"Great!" She said. “Can you look after my dog ?"
Being a senior citizen, really sucks!! Am I Gammon or Woke ? - I neither know nor care.
2016 Discovery 4 Landmark
2011 Mercedes Benz SL350 (R230)
1973 MG B GT V8 - 3.9L John Eales engine, 5 speed R380 gearbox, since 1975.
1959 MGA roadster - 1.9L Peter Burgess Engine - 5 speed gearbox
Past LRs - Multiple FFRs, Discos & a Series I - some petrol, some diesel,
none Electric or H2 fuel cell - yet.
There are 10 types of people in this world: Those who understand binary, and those who don’t.
Howard is 95 and lives in a senior citizen’s home. Every night after dinner, Howard goes to a secluded garden behind the centre to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life.
One evening, Annabel, age 87, wandered into the garden. They begin to chat, and before they know it, several hours have passed. After a short lull in their conversation, Howard turns to Annabel and asks, “Do you know what I miss most of all?”
She asks “What?”
He replies “Making love!!!”
Annabel exclaims, “Why you old fart, you couldn’t get it up if I held a gun to your head!”
“I know”, Howard says, “but it would be nice if a woman just held it for a while.”
“Well, I can oblige”, says Annabel, who gently unzips his trousers and removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it.
They agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Annabel would hold Howard’s manhood.
Then, one night, Howard didn’t show up at their usual meeting place. Alarmed, Annabel decided to find Howard and make sure that he was O.K. She walked around the home until she found him sitting by the pool with Sarah, who was holding Howard’s manhood!
Furious, Annabel yelled, “You two-timing creep! What does she have that I don’t have?”
Howard smiled and replied “Parkinson’s!”Am I Gammon or Woke ? - I neither know nor care.
2016 Discovery 4 Landmark
2011 Mercedes Benz SL350 (R230)
1973 MG B GT V8 - 3.9L John Eales engine, 5 speed R380 gearbox, since 1975.
1959 MGA roadster - 1.9L Peter Burgess Engine - 5 speed gearbox
Past LRs - Multiple FFRs, Discos & a Series I - some petrol, some diesel,
none Electric or H2 fuel cell - yet.
There are 10 types of people in this world: Those who understand binary, and those who don’t.
Dorothy and Edna, two old age “senior” widows, are talking.
Dorothy: “That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date,… I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer.”
Edna: “Well, I’ll tell you,… what happened last week, He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers!
Then he takes me downstairs, and what’s there but a luxury car… a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all.
Then he takes me out for dinner… a marvellous dinner… lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks.
Then we go see a show. Let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure!
So then when we get back to my apartment he turns into an ANIMAL.
Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and made love his way with me two times!”
Dorothy: “Goodness gracious!… so you are telling me I shouldn’t go out with him?”
Edna: “No, no, no… I’m just saying, wear an old dress.”Am I Gammon or Woke ? - I neither know nor care.
2016 Discovery 4 Landmark
2011 Mercedes Benz SL350 (R230)
1973 MG B GT V8 - 3.9L John Eales engine, 5 speed R380 gearbox, since 1975.
1959 MGA roadster - 1.9L Peter Burgess Engine - 5 speed gearbox
Past LRs - Multiple FFRs, Discos & a Series I - some petrol, some diesel,
none Electric or H2 fuel cell - yet.
There are 10 types of people in this world: Those who understand binary, and those who don’t.
27th May 2020 5:42 pm
robsmith
Member Since: 02 Sep 2007
Location: Staffordshire
Posts: 2401
I was going to post a joke
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Now what was I saying?Rob Smith
Silver rools OK
Rob Smith
Silver rools OK Am I Gammon or Woke ? - I neither know nor care.
2016 Discovery 4 Landmark
2011 Mercedes Benz SL350 (R230)
1973 MG B GT V8 - 3.9L John Eales engine, 5 speed R380 gearbox, since 1975.
1959 MGA roadster - 1.9L Peter Burgess Engine - 5 speed gearbox
Past LRs - Multiple FFRs, Discos & a Series I - some petrol, some diesel,
none Electric or H2 fuel cell - yet.
There are 10 types of people in this world: Those who understand binary, and those who don’t.
28th May 2020 10:15 am
marsie
Member Since: 28 Feb 2010
Location: Sheffieldish
Posts: 1807
An 96 year old ex soldier was sitting in a bar in his old uniform when a gorgeous young woman slid onto the stool next to him.
She asked, "Are you a soldier?"
Th old man replied, "Yes, miss i was, joined up at 16 and spent my whole life in the army until the day i retired, and who may i ask are you?"
She answered, " well I'm a lesbian"
"Whats a lesbian??" the old man asked
The girl replied, " Well, When I wake in the morning I think of naked women. When I'm eating I think of naked women. When I sleep i dream of naked women"
A few minutes chatting the young woman left and another lady sat down next to the old man. After a few minutes she asked him again if he was a soldier
He scratched his head for a minute and then said, "well I thought I was, but i recently found out I'm a lesbian."Previous Discos
1989 200tdi 3dr
1994 300tdi ES
1995 3.9 ES (x3)
2000 4.0 adventurer
2001 4.0 ES
2005 D3 HSE (zambesi silver)
2007 D3 SE (Lugano teal)
2011 D4 XS (Baltic Blue)
2008 D3 HSE PREMIUM (buckingham blue)
2009 D4 XS (Nara bronze)
2006 D3 Metropolis (Java Black)
2012my D4 HSE (indus silver)
2013 D4 XS (Firenze red)
Current 2017 D5 first edition (silicone silver)
28th May 2020 10:28 pm
Charliecloud
Member Since: 31 Jul 2014
Location: Tonbridge
Posts: 980
Re: Your choice !
NJSS wrote:
The Plus side of Parkinsons
Howard is 95 and lives in a senior citizen’s home. Every night after dinner, Howard goes to a secluded garden behind the centre to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life.
One evening, Annabel, age 87, wandered into the garden. They begin to chat, and before they know it, several hours have passed. After a short lull in their conversation, Howard turns to Annabel and asks, “Do you know what I miss most of all?”
She asks “What?”
He replies “Making love!!!”
Annabel exclaims, “Why you old fart, you couldn’t get it up if I held a gun to your head!”
“I know”, Howard says, “but it would be nice if a woman just held it for a while.”
“Well, I can oblige”, says Annabel, who gently unzips his trousers and removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it.
They agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Annabel would hold Howard’s manhood.
Then, one night, Howard didn’t show up at their usual meeting place. Alarmed, Annabel decided to find Howard and make sure that he was O.K. She walked around the home until she found him sitting by the pool with Sarah, who was holding Howard’s manhood!
Furious, Annabel yelled, “You two-timing creep! What does she have that I don’t have?”
Howard smiled and replied “Parkinsons!”
Took me a moment to remember the symptoms of Parkinisons 8)
29th May 2020 10:45 am
flydive
Member Since: 21 Aug 2007
Location: Lugano
Posts: 1535
A man is visiting his father at the home for the elderly, ask him how they are treating him.
"Very good, food is nice, we do some activities during the day and in the at bed time they give me a sleeping pill and a Viagra tablet"
The man, all angry goes to talk to the head nurse:
"My father told me that at bed time you give him a sleeping pill and Viagra, is that true?"
Head nurse:
"Yes, is true, the sleeping pill is to make him sleep soundly, the Viagra is to stop him rolling off the bed"
30th May 2020 6:02 pm
PROFSR G
Member Since: 06 Mar 2017
Location: Lost
Posts: 5044
Shopping at TESCO
I Didn't like shopping there anyway, but yesterday I was at my local TESCO’ store
buying a large bag of Winalot dog food. I was in the checkout
queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog
What did she think I had, an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do now,
on impulse I told her, "No, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Winalot Diet again".
I added, that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd
lost 2 stone before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most
of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works
is to load your pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or
two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well
and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in
queue was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.
I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's ar@e and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
I'm now banned from TESCO’.
Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world
to think of daft things to say.yµ (idµ - eAµ) ψ=mψ
Two old men were sitting in a park when the girl from NJSS's avatar cycled by.
"If I was six months' older..." said the first.
"Don't you mean six months' younger?" said the second.
"No, the wife was a bit forthcoming last night and it take me six months to recover"
2015 Volvo V40
2014 D4 HSE
2006 RRS - C'est mort. Fin... ...It's alive! Oh no, it's not - scrapped.
2019 Suzuki Kingquad 400
2017 RamRod Taskmaster 1150
1977 John Deere 2130
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ts need to keep smiling in these difficult days, so I thought that some jokes for & about the elderly might achieve this. So here's a couple to get us going.
